Job Market Frustrations...

I recently got off the phone with yet another potential employer. I have received two phone calls in two days from businesses looking for receptionists or administrative assistants. So I call them back and we chat a little bit, they ask me questions about my work experience and I answer them in detail and as best as I can. Then they come back with "well, Jessica, you don't really have what we are looking for, we are looking for someone with a little bit more experience then what you have...". Then I want to cry, scream, throw the phone, whatever; but I keep myself composed long enough to say "okay, well thanks anyway". Now here is my question, how the heck are you supposed to find a job to GAIN EXPERIENCE if nobody with hire you because you have NO EXPERIENCE?! And what's the point of sending in a resume with a detailed list of your work history if they are just going to ask you about your work history and then tell you you do not have enough experience???? Ugh it frustrates me!

So here I am, still unemployed, still desperately searching for a job...

"Perfect" by Flyleaf

I think we can all relate to this song in one way or another...I know I can, especially the line that says "I tried to kill you, you tried to save me". I tried to kill God many times, I tried to do it without him but found myself drowning in my selfish desires. I found myself spinning out of control, I was drowning in a pool of guilt and past pains. I tried to fix myself, I tried to do it without God but found the more I pushed him away, the more he pulled me back. It's like those old movies, when the man is trying to hug the distraut woman but she keeps hitting him but he is squeezing her tighter until finally she collapses into his arms, that was me and God. It still is, my relationship with God is a constant battle, I find myself falling into the same temptation over and over again. I find myself believing that I disgust God, that he sees me as something that cannot be salvaged, that I am a lost soul. But no matter how many times we sin, how many times we "fail" God, his love will never run out. There is nothing we could do that would stop him from loving us and forgiving us. All we have to do is say we're sorry (with sincerity in our hearts), God keeps no records, our pasts are like a dry erase board, once we ask for forgiveness God wipes our boards clean.

Sick of circling the same road
And Sick of bearing the guilt
So open the windows to cool off
And heat pours in instead

Perfect in weakness
I'm only perfect in just your strength alone

All my efforts to clean me
Leave me putrid and filthy
And how can you look at me
When I can't stand myself

I'm tired to be honest...I'm nobody

Perfect in weakness
I'm only perfect in just your strength alone
Perfect in weakness
I'm only running in just your strength alone

I tried to kill you
You tried to save me

You save me
You save me
You save me
You save me

Perfect in weakness
I'm only perfect in just your strength alone
Perfect in weakness
I'm only running in just your strength alone

Cravings...

I'm craving a "turtle"...ugh.

Darn Insurance...

I think I need to talk to someone, a professional, a counselor about my past...I thought I was okay with it, I thought I had overcome it but I'm starting to realize I barely touched the surface. It goes much, much deeper. I really wish I could go see a counselor however my damn insurance doesn't cover "mental health". Ugh! No wonder so many people are screwed up! No one can afford to talk to a counselor! When I find out if I get this job and/or how much I'll be making, I may see if I can squeeze some more money out of my budget for counseling fees...I hope. I really want to be okay with my past...for the sake of my future.

Pray for me.

When I Die...

This is in no way supposed to sound morbid, but today in class one of the photo essays was about old cemeteries and I decided that when I die, I want one of those old fashioned headstones. The one's that are all detailed with a quote on it. I haven't decided what quote I want...maybe I Corinthians 13:13 or my famous quote "Are You Freakin' Kidding Me?!"...haha. I want my headstone to have my age in years, months and days...I think that's cool. I also want it to say "Beloved Daughter, Sister, Mother, Wife, Aunt, Grandmother, Friend..." (I hope I get to gain all those titles...maybe even Great Grandmother...that'd be cool) At my funeral I want my brother to play "How Great Thou Art" on his bagpipes (if he's not too old!) and I want the song "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong to be played. I don't want anyone to wear black or to cry...they'll see me again soon! I'll be partying like a rockstar with Jesus!

Here are a couple of examples:

An Invitation...

Sometimes it makes me sad that you don't know Me and what lies in the innermost depths of my being, out of sight from the people around me. So read my posts. Some of these posts are sad, some are pensive, and some are funny, but they are all me. They are 100% real. 100% Jessi. So if you want to know how I feel, how I REALLY feel about what happened to me when I was little, read my posts. If you want to know how I feel about God and my Faith, read my posts. If you want to know how I feel about life, read my posts. If you want to know how I feel about the ones I love, read my posts.

It kinda hurts me that you don't really know what lies deep down in my soul. What makes me hurt, what makes me laugh, what makes me cry...and I know it's not your fault. I know you want to know me, I know you love me, I know you desire to know what I really feel and think and you wish I would say it to you...but sometimes it's just easier to say it on here. It doesn't mean I don't love or trust you, it's just sometimes, I have a hard time telling others how I really feel. I don't know why. I wish I could say the things I say on here to you and the ones that love me, but I can't. So please, just read all of my posts. I just want you to know...I want you to know Everything.

P.S. I decided to make you read this after thinking about that time we went to Jerry's and we were talking about "that one guy". I realized that you don't know me as well as you thought, which is my fault for not talking to you more. I love you.

From a Letter...

"I've experienced certain things in my past that I hope no one ever has to experience, and I did certain "things" most don't do or even think about until they are much, much older. For the most part I'm okay and it doesn't really bother me, but the scars are still there. Although I don't believe those scars will ever go away, and to be completely honest, I don't really want them to. Those scars are my history, they are a part of me and always will be. They will never fade away, no matter how much Neosporin I rub on them. And I think God allows certain things to happen to certain people not because he's cruel, but because he knows that we can handle it, but others can't. And it's up to us to help those who are less strong."

- A passage in a letter I wrote to a friend

Re-posting my first post...

I thought I'd re-post my first post again...I read through some of my old posts and stumbled across this one. I love this post...I think it's quite powerful.

It creates in us, a desire for something that is humanly impossible to obtain. It is impossible for a person to become what we lustfully desire for what we create in our minds is so detailed and striking that it cannot be satisfied by any one person, thus resulting in us searching for it and in our path, destroying what we already had, something that was once so beautiful and delicate, which now lays broken and dirty. It furthermore results in a dissatisfaction for something that was once so beautiful and tantalizing to us, for we crave what we desire more than it. We begin to crave it more than we ever thought possible, it invades our thoughts and destroys our innocence. It creeps over us without warning, like a lion does to its prey. It devours us whole yet leaves us hungry for more. It begins to feed on those around us, those that were once precious and satisfying to us, yet it still cannot squelch its hunger for us. It started out as something so small yet is now a giant beast looming over us like a black cloud, noticeable to everyone around us. We cannot hide it anymore, it has grown too much, we become embarrassed and ashamed yet we cannot stop it. It is like a tick, sucking out our very souls for its gratification leaving us hollow and empty and lost. Dirty and alone. We begin to feel like there is no end to it, that it will soon destroy us, expose us to the world, to feel abused and broken and dirty. Is there any end to it? We cry out for an answer. We want to feel satisfied and whole once more. To feel the way we did before we allowed it to feed on us. To see those that we left broken and dirty; beautiful and satisfying to us once more. But where do we find this end? Where can we find the thing that will kill that which has taken over our lives, our very souls?